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Well, this must be a new experience. I just did something I’ve never really done before. There’s no turning back now. I can only wait to determine what the consequences of my actions will be. Perhaps this will only be a minor event in my life. Perhaps this may be something major. Of course, this could also be completely insignificant and quickly forgotten. I guess time tells all tales.

Really. I need to lighten up more anyways. Karma. You aren’t going to necessarily get a chance unless you also give others a chance.

I’m about to do something very reckless (well, for me anyways). I hide my own nervousness by laughing at myself and wondering about all the different ways things can go wrong. However, when all things are said and done, I know I’ll still be okay. Maybe temporarily wounded, but I’ll live.

Man, what a pain in the ass. I hate wireless sometimes. I hate typing up a post only to have it fail because the connection is flaky. The thoughts and words are now lost. I cannot recreate them anew.

I found time today to take a brisk walk. Walking. It’s been so long since I’ve really walked any measurable distance. The last time I remember walking was probably at least a year ago in Santa Barbara with my best friend. How often does anyone walk anywhere anymore? It’s so odd that such a profound event so quickly loses its meaning and becomes a chore.

I think I should try to get out more. Maybe a quick trip around the block every so often when time allows it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. When did people get so lazy that we have to drive everywhere? I hated driving. Walking was always more fun when I was younger. Heck, I still hate super long drives.

I think maybe I need to slow things down a notch. A little bit of a time out everyday would do me some good. I waste too much time as it is in a day worrying about stupid stuff that has no real consequence anyhow (aka “work”). Well, lets try to rest and see what the new day brings…

So, another year has passed. Some things improved, others did not. I will make no excuses for what did not get accomplished. I know what must be done.

Okay, since I totally can’t sleep because my brain is too active, I might as well do something nominally useful rather than just lay here.

Given my current situation in life, which is basically that of someone in the middle of a transition, I suspect that I will have a lot more of these sleepless nights. I really haven’t had such nights in a while. The ones where I feel as though I’m awake the entire night and am at most taking short naps before lapsing back into consciousness and active thought again. I suppose that it was about time that this sort of thing started happening again.

A faint glimmer of hope springs forth from my mind that maybe I am starting to get in tune with my old self again. Somehow though, I doubt I can ever truely be what I used to be. No, the path that lies ahead will have to be forged anew and will end up being a sum of new experiences; not something that used to be.

I must find the will to do what must be done. For too long have I sat back and observed. The window for action draws short. Why can’t I let go?

Sometimes, there are events in life that shouldn’t have even happened. Even before they occured, the consequences were extrapolated. However, for whatever reason, we allowed the ball to start rolling and the previously extrapolated consequences come to fruitation. Such a thing occurred to me today, and I have no one but myself to blame.

It’s what I get for knowing myself but not listening to myself.

This seems to be a theme that occurs a lot more often than it should. I really should know to listen to myself — afterall, nobody but myself knows if I am comfortable with something or not. Why I even open myself up to this sort of thing? I *KNEW* what was going to happen. If such a thing happens again in the future, which it probably will eventually, I need to start with the regulating and stop with the etiquette.

Who’s the weirdest of them all?

My extremely strong grip on reality find itself stretched far, but apparently not far enough to break anytime soon. This time of the year is always one of contemplation. There are lots of external milestones that somehow triggers my own mind to render an outlook for what has occurred and what has not.

I hate this time of the year. I really fucking hate it.

I probably hate it even more because the past couple of years has really been nothing but a downward spiral into oblivion. Everything looks all right on paper, but underneath things remain a chaotic mess. I am no longer sure what I have really lost and what I have really gained in the recent few years of my life. Maybe I need some time to evaluate what it is I’m actually trying to accomplish and why those goals remain unmet. Since I’ll have a few extra days soon, I should be able to delve into this further when my mind is more clear.

I’ve probably said this enough times now, but there needs to be a new way of doing things. What didn’t work before isn’t going to work now. I need to re-think the way I do some of the things that I do. It’s time to unsettle myself and see what kind of jitters I can cause by loosening the chains.

As the new year dawns, I find myself looking back at what got accomplished and what didn’t get done over the course of the past year. Overall, it was something of a transition year, and if nothing else, the bare minimum requirements for the year were met.

Looking ahead, this upcoming year is also something of a transition year. The decision has largely been made to go ahead and seek a home. Whether I am ready or not is a little hard to say, but it is a bit earlier than I had expected. Regardless, it’s full steam ahead and no turning back now.

I’ve always had trouble letting go, but as I age, I’ve noticed what seems to be a greater incentive to stop looking at the past and to look more closely at the path to forge ahead. Perhaps I feel that my time is almost upon me, and that progress must be made before it all becomes moot anyways. Sometimes I wonder why any progress must be made at all beyond the personal desire to achieve. Maybe it is just guilt. Guilt that I have failed to reach for what is possible if I simply willed it into being.

Can I overcome this? I guess it won’t be readily apparent until the time comes…