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Recently, I’ve spent a fair amount of time watching a couple of anime series. I ended up watching all of Berserk. It was sad to know that the ending left a lot of questions and that there would be no more in the future. Instead, I went ahead and perused the latter events as they were depicted in the manga. I have a feeling that this happens a lot with anime series. They plan a product, and after a while they run out of money and things end up feeling rushed or unsettled. It’s kind of a bummer that this is how it ends up being sometimes. I guess closure is sometimes too much to ask for.

I have a few more queued up, and hopefully those end up being decent.

I’ve been working like a dog all week. Granted, I’ve been slaving away for the past few weeks already, so this is not something that is really new. There is no way I can do this sort of thing when I have a family, so I guess it is a good thing I am still single right now. My basic fear is that I still don’t know quite when I am going to come crashing down. How much longer can I last before I need to at least take a break?

So while, physically, I have recently been taking better of myself, during the quieter moments in life, I am reminded that my mind is still a mess. There is simply too many things that I haven’t had time to figure out yet. Work-life balance, I tell myself; it’s so much easier to say than it is to do though. I’m sure there are lots of people in the same boat, so I’m sure this situation is not unique.

Sometimes I think I’m being too hard on myself. In some ways though, it drives me. You can’t really push someone if they don’t want to be pushed. They have to push themselves. My own deficiencies, whether real or perceived within my own mind, is what urges me to try and better my predicament.

I definitely don’t like failing, but the more sensible side of me know it is the only way to learn. Usually, when I initially fail, I re-double my efforts. If I fail yet again, that’s when I stop and take a step back to re-think the situation. Banging my head against a wall repeatedly has never been my style. Staying adaptable is one of our greatest strengths. Yet, I still feel like a broken record sometimes — doomed to repeat myself.

Unfortunately, there is nothing profound or deeply thoughtful in my head at the moment. I’m too hungry and too tired to be thinking of too much else. I just hope I can wake up early enough tomorrow to eat breakfast before going to work. I feel like my whole body is dying out on me sometimes. It makes me wonder if I push myself too hard.

There are so many things that I have to do. One of the things I need to work on is better time management. I need to push off on non-critical items and take care of important matters first before worrying too much about the little things. Unfortunately, it is usually the little things that can make or break your day. Still, I guess you can only do what you can. People really can’t expect much more than that.

Well, now there’s something you don’t necessarily see everyday: belly dancing. Essentially saw it with a bunch of friends. I’m sure there’s some damning evidence for a couple of people.

How quickly it seems that time flies. As time goes on, it seems that it is harder to get together with old friends. I sometimes catch myself wondering how simple it was to take for granted some of the things that used to happen all the time. It is a reminder that I must try and savor each moment for everything it is worth, because who knows when it will be until the next time it happens again — if ever!

I have always had a pretty good recollection of events, but I find it humorous how things get hazy over time. Past details become vague, until all that I really have is a memory of a memory. I wonder if it is a part of getting old, or if it is just our friend Time taking back what was his. Either ways, I’ve always enjoyed laughing at the irony of things, or just simply how humans behave at times.

Which does bring up a good point. How unfair is it that a man can do nothing but right for 364 days a year. However, for that one day in which he goes crazy and goofs for the year, it automatically nullifies everything before that point and his bad deed is all that is remembered? I think that this type of thing can be very common in today’s society, but it doesn’t seem to make it any more fair. We are humans after all, and humans are prone to making mistakes. Granted, some mistakes may be bigger than others, but I think that sometimes humans are too quick to judge harshly on their fellows. It has always been easier to hate than to love. Easier to destroy than to build.

Today was good. Busy, but good.

Hrm, dug this one out of the drafts… I think it’s a few months old though: 

It seems like the more sleep I get, the more tired I become. I managed to change my sleeping schedule in order to wake up earlier. However, I still need to tighten it so I only have a “scheduled” six hours or so. It’s not like I’ve ever slept very well regardless since my internal clock doesn’t match the clock of the real world anyhow.

Time is like the silent assassin. Ever waiting, and ever watchful. Always present. In the back of my head, I can hear it counting down. Time is not always an enemy though. It can be a friend too. I guess it just depends on how one wants to perceive things. I feel my own clock is winding down though. I am not sure whether I need more rest or whether I need to just push through even harder to get where I need to go.

I think I’m looking forward to having a place of my own. I think the freedom will do me some good. There shouldn’t be any need to hold back in my own home. Maybe that’s why work is so… stifling.

Something dawned on me this morning, and it probably took until the afternoon for me to fully accept it. I’m pretty sure I’m in the early stages of a mental breakdown. Given my experience with this in the past, I normally feel much better afterwards. However, the downward spiral and the final “thud” is not something that I am a huge fan of.

Unfortunately, I never quite got the break that I was hoping to get. So, I suppose that this is a natural consequence. I have no one else to blame but myself. I know I end up putting a lot of pressure on myself at work. I often wonder why I do this to myself. I don’t really know if I can change my work habits — or at the very least, not suddenly. Perhaps I worry too much in general though. I seriously ask myself “why?” at least a dozen times each day.

I think the really interesting thing is that I called this way back in October or so. I told myself that if I kept up my current pace, that I would probably burn out in April. I just find it funny that I need to try and protect me from myself on occasion. I guess it’s all too easy to lose sight of the enemy when the real enemy is yourself.

This probably sounds crazy, but sometimes calamity is a cause for relief. It is a stark reminder that we should never be too tied down to any one particular thing. It is sometimes incredible what can be endured. I am content to know despite what has happened, what will happen, and what may possible happen, that I am still currently alive.

It is not for me to say what may happen when I am gone, but at the very least, I can act with accordance to the things in the now that may bring both pleasure or pain.

A few days ago, I walked. Today, I ran, and the only thing I really have to say is “Wow, I am totally out of shape”. I’m not even sure I really made it half way before I had to start walking. It seems so weak that I can only really improve from there. Again though, I experienced the same problem as before — I was more worried about the destination than the journey itself.

See the sights. Enjoy the smells. Why are such things so difficult to do sometimes? I’m afraid I know that I still have not yet learned to let go of myself. I’m afraid that I may have to destroy myself in order to recreate myself. I don’t know why I am really afraid of that, but I am. I know I should not be scared of change — but for some reason, I still care too much. I fear the things that I may bring upon myself.

It’ll be okay though. So long as I can continue to laugh at my own predicaments, I know there is still hope. I wonder how long it will take me to unchain myself and then tear it all down. It’s been many years now…