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I found time today to take a brisk walk. Walking. It’s been so long since I’ve really walked any measurable distance. The last time I remember walking was probably at least a year ago in Santa Barbara with my best friend. How often does anyone walk anywhere anymore? It’s so odd that such a profound event so quickly loses its meaning and becomes a chore.

I think I should try to get out more. Maybe a quick trip around the block every so often when time allows it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. When did people get so lazy that we have to drive everywhere? I hated driving. Walking was always more fun when I was younger. Heck, I still hate super long drives.

I think maybe I need to slow things down a notch. A little bit of a time out everyday would do me some good. I waste too much time as it is in a day worrying about stupid stuff that has no real consequence anyhow (aka “work”). Well, lets try to rest and see what the new day brings…

So, another year has passed. Some things improved, others did not. I will make no excuses for what did not get accomplished. I know what must be done.

Okay, since I totally can’t sleep because my brain is too active, I might as well do something nominally useful rather than just lay here.

Given my current situation in life, which is basically that of someone in the middle of a transition, I suspect that I will have a lot more of these sleepless nights. I really haven’t had such nights in a while. The ones where I feel as though I’m awake the entire night and am at most taking short naps before lapsing back into consciousness and active thought again. I suppose that it was about time that this sort of thing started happening again.

A faint glimmer of hope springs forth from my mind that maybe I am starting to get in tune with my old self again. Somehow though, I doubt I can ever truely be what I used to be. No, the path that lies ahead will have to be forged anew and will end up being a sum of new experiences; not something that used to be.

I must find the will to do what must be done. For too long have I sat back and observed. The window for action draws short. Why can’t I let go?

Sometimes, there are events in life that shouldn’t have even happened. Even before they occured, the consequences were extrapolated. However, for whatever reason, we allowed the ball to start rolling and the previously extrapolated consequences come to fruitation. Such a thing occurred to me today, and I have no one but myself to blame.

It’s what I get for knowing myself but not listening to myself.

This seems to be a theme that occurs a lot more often than it should. I really should know to listen to myself — afterall, nobody but myself knows if I am comfortable with something or not. Why I even open myself up to this sort of thing? I *KNEW* what was going to happen. If such a thing happens again in the future, which it probably will eventually, I need to start with the regulating and stop with the etiquette.

Who’s the weirdest of them all?

My extremely strong grip on reality find itself stretched far, but apparently not far enough to break anytime soon. This time of the year is always one of contemplation. There are lots of external milestones that somehow triggers my own mind to render an outlook for what has occurred and what has not.

I hate this time of the year. I really fucking hate it.

I probably hate it even more because the past couple of years has really been nothing but a downward spiral into oblivion. Everything looks all right on paper, but underneath things remain a chaotic mess. I am no longer sure what I have really lost and what I have really gained in the recent few years of my life. Maybe I need some time to evaluate what it is I’m actually trying to accomplish and why those goals remain unmet. Since I’ll have a few extra days soon, I should be able to delve into this further when my mind is more clear.

I’ve probably said this enough times now, but there needs to be a new way of doing things. What didn’t work before isn’t going to work now. I need to re-think the way I do some of the things that I do. It’s time to unsettle myself and see what kind of jitters I can cause by loosening the chains.

As the new year dawns, I find myself looking back at what got accomplished and what didn’t get done over the course of the past year. Overall, it was something of a transition year, and if nothing else, the bare minimum requirements for the year were met.

Looking ahead, this upcoming year is also something of a transition year. The decision has largely been made to go ahead and seek a home. Whether I am ready or not is a little hard to say, but it is a bit earlier than I had expected. Regardless, it’s full steam ahead and no turning back now.

I’ve always had trouble letting go, but as I age, I’ve noticed what seems to be a greater incentive to stop looking at the past and to look more closely at the path to forge ahead. Perhaps I feel that my time is almost upon me, and that progress must be made before it all becomes moot anyways. Sometimes I wonder why any progress must be made at all beyond the personal desire to achieve. Maybe it is just guilt. Guilt that I have failed to reach for what is possible if I simply willed it into being.

Can I overcome this? I guess it won’t be readily apparent until the time comes…

One great difficulty that I’ve always had was keeping in touch with the people I know (or rather, used to know). Part of it I guess is probably my own fault since it definitely does require some action on my part and I’m just lazy. The other part might just be that I don’t particularly feel the need to stay in touch with most people because I feel that, ultimately, they will never truely understand me. It also seems particularly difficult to stay in contact with those who are in other stages of life, or are now simply physically removed from the location you are at.

I find it one of the truest tests of friendships to be able to still understand and bond with each other despite the length of real time that has passed since the last communication. It doesn’t really matter that it has been months, or years even. All that matters is that when you do meet up again, you can still instantly feel comfortable (or maybe even giddy) and chat away as if it was like the old days. I think that when a relationship can get to that point, it is how you know you have a real friend who will largely be around for your whole life simply because your friendship is able to have survived the passage of time.

As the years roll by, I think that it is harder to make new friends. Part of it might just be that you end up getting out less. Another part might be that you just end up naturally filtering out people that don’t end up being true friends. People do tend to flock amongst those that think in similar terms. However, perhaps this exclusivity is not exactly always a good thing since it really only serves but to divide us from seeing other points of view. Even when the thought is outside of the normal group behavior, peer pressure may still play a role in determining the outward opinions being presented when placed under duress or pushed into action by the group.

I think that the day that I can finally break free of such behavioral concerns will be a sign that I have started to overcome the chains that I have for so long binded myself to. That is supposed to be a good thing; so, why do I feel like it is also giving into the Dark Side?

Busy busy busy. I think that best describes what has been a rather hectic six weeks or so. The basic nutshell is that I’ve largely been working like a dog recently and haven’t had too much time to myself. I guess the good news about it is that I overcame a major hurdle at work and life is starting to settle down a little to a more reasonable pace again. This week so far has been my decompression week as I slow myself down from the 14-18 hour days back down to a more respectable 9-10.

However, that being said, I probably still don’t get enough sleep still. I find myself staying up later this week while simultaneously waking up earlier. It’s probably a bad sign that my body is screaming for some sort of stability. The good news is that at least this week I have actually gotten some personal time after work to do whatever. I am sure that it helps my stress level to some extent, although I could probably still try and not worry about work so much.

There are times I wonder why I push myself so far for something in which I don’t really have all that much to gain. Sometimes I wish I knew the answer to question myself. It really does nothing except reinforce the mindset that I really need to own my own business at some point in my life. I’m not really sure I’m cut out to survive in the corporate world. There is always that nagging feeling that I probably just end up getting abused by those who play the game.

I figure that by late January or early February, my working life here should be pretty stable and relatively easier. It might even be possible that it will be better sooner, but I pretty much expect things to be relatively locked down by that point.  Hopefully, I don’t keep continuing to procrastinate my own personal life by using work as an excuse.

I have to say that I’m slightly disappointed in Nintendo’s starting price of $250. However, they will still probably sell out regardless. Shoot, I know I’ll still buy one anyways just for Zelda. By next year the price will have to be at $200 or less I think in order to effectively effectively gain large chunks of market share from Microsoft and Sony. This is Nintendo basically maximizing profits.

Sony is going to probably end up taking a beating, but, overall, it will probably still be the leader out of the consoles by two years time. However, I think they will definitely not be as dominate as with the PS1 and PS2. The PS3 just straight up costs too much. It’ll need to drop in price a bit before the masses will try and splurge on something like that… and lets not even start on how much games will cost now.

I’m glad Bioware is releaseing Jade Empire for the PC next year. Good ol’ Bioware is still giving it’s old PC RPG gamers something to wait for.